Remembering My Old Man

My brothers and I always gave him crap for being so old. When I was a kid, my Dad was ancient. Of course he wasn’t actually old—he never actually got the chance.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, but it’s been too hard. Thinking about Dad’s last few years, how sad and lonely Alzheimer’s must be from the inside, how difficult it was for Mom, it all just makes me teary-eyed and choked up. On the surface it’s easier to push emotions aside and pretend they aren’t there, but somewhere underneath there’s a void—an emptiness that feels like it won’t be filled until I get some of this stuff out…

…and writing is much easier than talking, so here we go.

Last week Dad would have been 65. That’s too young to die. There is supposed to be so much life to live at that age, years that a person has earned the right to live.

When I was growing up, I never realized how loved my Dad was. As it turns out, he made an impact on a lot of people. I know he was a good father, uncle, grandfather, husband, but I had no idea how many people were affected by his contagious laughter, his hard-working attitude, his always-friendliness.

From my young perspective my Dad was just a Dad doing Dad things—fooling around in the garage, being grumpy when Matt and I kicked each other on the couch, working hard every day, mowing the lawn, yelling at us for slamming a door, doing crossword puzzles in his recliner, all the things Dads do.

But I didn’t realize until we started losing him, or maybe after he was gone, that he did a lot more than the regular Dad stuff. He taught me how to swing a golf club at Coonhunters (a tiny turd of a par 3 in the boonies, complete with funnel-shaped sand greens, where a 9 iron and putter are also your walking sticks). He taught me the value of a hard-earned dollar. He discreetly encouraged my education with well-timed jabs and the occasional inquiry of how my grades were. He taught me how to be a good husband, how to love and respect my wife, my equal partner in life’s journey. And if one day Sarah and I decide it’s time to have children, I’m confident I’ll be a great father because of his example.

I remember one day, I must have been about 10 or 11. It was the first time I remember being impressed by my Dad. I had the fastest time in the 50-yard dash in the 4^th grade track meet tryouts. I of course was untouchable in my mighty chariot. He challenged me to a race in the back yard. I got all geared up in my gym shorts and “fast shoes” while he remained in his usual blue jeans and cowboy boots. Naturally, he kicked my ass in the race—a very humbling moment when the dorky Dad beats the cocky son in an event normally dominated by the young, nimble athlete—but that day I learned that my Dad wasn’t just another dorky old man.

I know Dad was always proud of me, but I always felt like he was most proud when I was playing drums and percussion on stage. In all my years playing in various bands through high school and college, I don’t think he and Mom missed a single performance. They wouldn’t dream of it. I love that about my parents. Some of those performances must have been gruelingly long and fantastically boring, but I never for a second doubted their support.

In fact, I think that’s what I loved most about my Dad. He always supported me no matter what I was doing. He always had my back. I wouldn’t have known it at the time—what ignorant kid would? But he was always there.

I’d like to point out that while I’ve been typing this, two of the most emotion-inducing songs have come up on Pandora: “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton and “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. Yep, the flood gates are open.

I hadn’t been out of college very long when Dad was diagnosed with dementia. While I was married and owned my own house and was very much a grownup, I was still really just a kid. Looking back I wish I had spent more time with him during those last years. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of knowing my father from the perspective of another man, rather than just a child. I feel like we would be good friends today.

Much of what’s best in me, I realize now, comes from my Dad. I always try to be friendly and courteous to anyone I meet, and I know he was the same way. I think I inherited his sometimes dry sense of humor, his infectious belly laugh, male-pattern baldness (thanks for that), and his capacity to watch the same movies over and over and over again, although my preference for movies like Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption or Dumb & Dumber are in much better taste than his fondness for Rio Lobo or Chisum or anything else featuring his favorite cowboy John Wayne.

Alzheimer’s works in strange ways. Some people live with it for many years. For Dad it progressed very quickly, and for that I am thankful. He hated not being able to follow conversations, not being entirely sure of his sons’ names, not being able to drive, knowing that it wasn’t going to get better.

After bearing this incredible burden on her shoulders, even as relatively quickly as it came and passed, but how agonizingly long and difficult the road must have been, I am absolutely convinced that my Mother is a superhero, and she deserves all the very best things this life can offer.

Dad’s death was hard for all of us. It didn’t happen quickly and unexpectedly, like my uncle (and one of my favorite people ever) Denny, who was killed in a tragic work accident in his 50s. Dad’s death was slow, but imminent.  We all knew it would happen sooner than later, and we all know that death is a part of life, but you can never adequately prepare for losing a family member. Mom says we started losing him many years ago, and I suppose that’s true. That sentiment did provide some comfort when I hugged Mom in the kitchen in the days following his death, but he’s still a big loss to everyone who knew him.

I really miss my Dad. I don’t know if there’s a heaven, but I really hope there is and maybe one day I can see him again. Maybe we’ll play a round of golf. Maybe we’ll watch Bonanza or a Hawkeye football game. Maybe we’ll just sit and enjoy a few beers together. Maybe we’ll have a race in the back yard and he’ll let me win this time.

Until then, Old Man, I’ll keep trying to make you proud.

Remodel Project

When we bought our house in August of 2010, we knew we would remodel it someday to make it our own when the time was right. It turns out, the time was right at about the end of October, 2011.

From the front door, the first things you would see were the Dining Room and Living Room. There was a full wall and a closet surrounding the basement stairs which separated the Kitchen and Family Room. The Living Room also has a wood-burning fireplace which stayed there but got a considerable facelift.

The Kitchen was galley-style with minimal counter and cabinet space.

Past the Kitchen was a Family Room or Den. One full wall was bookshelves which I was sad to see go. There was also the door to the patio which seemed like about 400 lbs. You’ll also notice the massive wood-burning fireplace covered with green stone. We called it the Green Monster.

So here’s what we did: We turned the walls around the basement stairs into 1/2 walls and took out the walls around the kitchen to open up the entire area. Then we extended the kitchen into the dining room and added a pantry and closet between the kitchen and living room. Then we moved the Dining Room down to where the Family Room was (don’t worry, there’s a huge family room in the basement–we don’t need THREE).

And here are the before, during, and after pics. (Click image for larger view and the BACK button to return)

Living Room & Dining Room Before

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.Living Room After.

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Kitchen Before

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Kitchen After

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Family Room &  Green Monster Before

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New Dining Room (Formerly Family Room) & New Gas Fireplace

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Big Thank You to everyone who helped us with the project:

Steve Doty, my neighbor, for doing all the hard stuff

Kirk Caufield and Kenny Murawski for demo work

Ann Smith at Schroll Cabinets for designing and helping pick out the cabinets

Penny Rittenhouse at Avalanche Flooring for helping pick out counters, tile, and flooring

Kelly Clifton at Hydronic Specialists for fixing the solar thermal system

Jeff Reynolds at FyrePro and Josh Dengler at Southpaw Masonry for helping with the new gas fireplace

Steve Grandbois at Specialty Appliance for helping pick out the new appliances

Nicole at Dumpster Diverz for two dumpster trips

My good friend Brian Terry for his electrical consulting and expertise

Aaron Regelman at Big Thompson Electric for final electrical work and consulting

Andy Riddle at Hanover Custom Builders for installing the cabinets

David Bender at Bender Plumbing for moving our kitchen pipes

Jason Baker at Advanced Engineering for verifying and approving our plans

Tom Sakowicz at Saks Heating & Air Conditioning for a couple small HVAC fixes

and of course…

Sarah Kray for her patience with this long project!

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Next up is the Laundry Room, a new roof, the basement, and 3 bathrooms!

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Weird Words

The English language (funny in and of itself considering the “English” spoken in England is vastly different than the “English” spoken in the US and other places) is full of strange words, double meanings, double spellings, and just all-around bizarreness that I couldn’t help but start a list.  Send me your favorite weird words and I’ll add them here.

In no particular order (just the order I wrote them down here):

Weird – i before e except after c, and except in some proper nouns, and except in the word ‘weird’

Palindrome – not a palindrome

Phonetic – not spelled the way it sounds

Monosyllabic – pentasyllabic

Driveway – where I park the car

Occupational Therapy – turns out it has nothing to do with your job

Neighbor, Sleigh, Height – and any other words with a silent gh…what’s with the gh?

Queue – can’t we just spell it “Q”?

Cue – see above

Llama – is the second l really necessary?

Route – is it pronounced “rowt” or “root”?

Answer – no one pronounces the w, do they?

Woman & Women – why does the first syllable pronunciation change?  why not the second syllable?

Any word with a ph that makes an f sound – why do we need ph if we have f?

Their, There, They’re – possession, location, subject/verb…in that order

Your & You’re – possession, subject/verb…again, in that order

Definitely – there’s never an “a” and there never has been

A lot – don’t leave out the space–Alot is not a word

Sense, Cents, Scents – no wonder other language speakers hate English

Doubt & Debt – what’s with the b?

Know, Knee, Knife – if there’s a k, you should have to say the k

Wind & Wind – yes, these are two very different words

Desert, Desert, Dessert – arid geographical region, to abandon, sweet tasty deliciousness

Sewer & Sewer – my wife likes to sew, but if you send a text calling her a sewer, be ready for backlash

Book, Look, Good vs. Noon, Boom, Soon – why do the same two vowels make different sounds?

One & Won – I one the game by won point

Two, Too, To – who thought of this crap?

Who – hoo?

Perhaps Gallagher said it best.  N-U-M-B!

Here’s a fun activity (funtivity) if you’re bored. Open Word (or another word processing program). Type a common word in a large font, say about size 72. If you need a word, try “edit”, a perfectly normal word. Now highlight the word with your cursor and arrow down through the list of fonts. Watch the word go from completely normal to totally unusual. Good times.

A Man, A Boy, and A Donkey

I heard this story last week at a Realtor meeting and I thought I’d share it here.  Enjoy!

 Once upon a time there was a man and his young son who were traveling along the road with their donkey.   The man, thinking he would spare his young son the long walk, decided to allow the boy to ride the on donkey’s back. 

Pretty soon they passed a group of people who said, “How awful that this man must walk while his young and capable son gets to ride on the donkey’s back.  It is the boy who should be walking.”  So the two of them switched places and the man rode on the donkey while the boy walked.

Awhile later they passed another group of people who said, “How awful that this man is making his son walk while he rides along on the donkey’s back.  That poor boy.”  So they decided that they would both walk and no one would ride the donkey.

Again they passed another group of people who said, “Why would these two walk while they have a perfectly good donkey to ride?”  So the man and his son decided they would both ride on the donkey and no one would walk.

Pretty soon they passed yet another group of people who said, “That poor donkey.  Why would this man and his son burden that animal with the weight of two people?”  So the man and his son decided to carry the donkey.

After awhile carrying the donkey they reached a narrow bridge.  While crossing the bridge they lost their footing and accidentally dropped the donkey over the railing where it died in the river below.

After pondering this unfortunate incident for a few minutes the man and his son were greeted by a wise man who had been following along and witnessed the whole ordeal.  The wise man then said “If you try to please everyone you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.”

My First 14er

Last July I did the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sarah and I, along with Sarah’s sister Katie and her husband Kenny, climbed to the summit of Grays Peak in Central Colorado.  This was my first Fourteener (a mountain whose peak is above 14,000 feet), but the other three had at least one each under their belt.  Being a flatlander for my first 30 years did not adequately prepare me for mountain hiking.

We had done a few lower-elevation hikes around Boulder and Estes Park as we prepared for our high-country hike, but I think perhaps I should have started with a niner or tener.  If you’ve ever been to the mountains you’ve probably noticed that there is a distinct elevation line–called “tree line”–above which trees do not grow.  This is because there is not enough oxygen for them to survive.  Grass still grows and small shrubs and bushes thrive, but you might wonder why humans would go to a place where the most basic of life’s necessities hardly exists.  I wondered the same thing, but alas I was convinced to try.  Here’s a picture taken in March to show the distinct tree line. 

Tree line in this area is just below 12,000 feet, just above the altitude of the trailhead.  Now, Grays Peak is one of the easiest 14-ers in Colorado.  It is a class 1 hike of a possible 5, meaning it is not extremely long (about 7.5 miles round trip) and it does not require rock climbing or difficult traversing.   

In the Rocky Mountains in mid-Summer there are almost-daily thunderstorms that start to form around noon, so you want to have summited and be well on your way back down the mountain by that time.  The night before we tent camped in nearby Dillon so we could get an early start.

  

  We got started around 7:30 in a great mood and ready for a challenge, as evidenced in our still-smiling faces.

  

…but it got less fun after this.

At the trailhead you feel great.  You breathe the cool, fresh mountain air, enjoy the running streams, and take in the surroundings.  About 1/2 mile up the trail my lungs were already working hard.  For the next couple miles up the trail, climbing above the trees, we stopped about every 1/2 mile to catch our breath and drink some water.  Hydration is key–the mountain air is extremely dry. 

The ascent is just short of 4 miles.  The first 2.5 miles or so is a fairly gradual incline and you can see the peak most of the time, but it’s agonizingly far away.  And then the trail starts getting a bit steeper.  Your lungs start working extra hard, your thighs start burning, and the first signs of crankiness start to set in.  The water breaks start to become more frequent. Energy bars are consumed. The outer layers begin to come off.  And light-hearted but mostly sincere complaints start to fly.

At this point there is much less conversation and much more concentration on the task at hand.  Roughly 2 miles from the summit, the climb gets much steeper.  There are large boulders to climb over and the trail turns into switchbacks, going back and forth up the side of the mountain.

About 1/2 mile from the summit, after about a half-dozen switchbacks, my lungs were burning. I had to stop and rest literally every 25 steps.  At this point we decided to stop for some lunch.  We had prepared some ham sandwiches at the camp site.  I personally felt like I could not possibly keep food down at this point, but I badly needed some energy.  My companions, who are all in much better shape than I am, were eager to push on and get to the top. We couldn’t sit for long because we were getting close to storm time.  From our lunch-time vantage point we had a nice view of the trail we had taken.  If you enlarge the picture to the right and look very closely you can see the trail far below. 

The last quarter mile ascent is the most grueling part of the hike.  You are tantalizingly close to the summit.  You see people celebrating above you.  But the back and forth of the switchbacks make it longer than it seems.  Finally you turn the last corner and climb to the summit.  The sense of relief mixes with feelings of accomplishment in an emotional triumph at 14,270 feet.  The view of course is unimaginable and cannot be described or accurately portrayed in pictures. 

 

We couldn’t spend too much time at the summit.  It was nearly noon and the clouds were building fast.  Our spirits high, we began our descent in a joyous mood–almost skipping back down the hill.  We went down a different path than we came up and had to cross over an area of snow near the peak.  I imagine this snow pack, which was maybe two feet thick as we passed over it, was probably about a 60-foot-high drift during the winter. 

We descended quickly to beat the pending storms.  Just as we got down the steepest part of the trail, we heard thunder in the distance.  When we turned and looked back, there were dark ominous clouds above the peak where we had been not 30 minutes before.  Fortunately we had packed our rain coats, because we definitely needed them.

Just as our lungs and thighs were burning on the way up, our knees and feet were burning on the way down.  But our goal was to get done and get the hell out of there. The conversation once again ceased and jubilation was posponed as we spread out and rushed down the trail as quickly as our tired legs would allow.

By the time we reached the trailhead and our car, it was about 3:00.  The hike took about 7 1/2 hours.  Our smiles had faded and we were much less chipper than when we started, although I can’t deny somewhere deep inside me I felt good about what I had just done.  Nevertheless, I vowed at the time that I would never, ever do it again, but when I think back about it, I almost crave the next Fourteener so I can relive that sense of achievement–the realization that I wanted so many times to quit, to turn back, but I pushed on and I succeeded–a feeling I won’t soon forget.

Driving Etiquette

This is likely to be an ongoing series of posts as it’s a topic that I am extremely passionate about.  My wife and the media call it “road rage”.  I only call it that when someone else has it.  I prefer to call it “suggestions for you, from me, while we are driving in separate vehicles on the same roadway.”  Since I am the expert on this subject, as I am the uncontested best driver, I think it’s appropriate for you to heed my advice.

There are just certain things you should always do, or should never do, or should sometimes do or sometimes not do, depending upon conditions and circumstances. This series is designed to help you, reader/driver, with those things, should you fall into the driver category being described here. 

On the Highway

1. Consistent Speed.  On the highway, this may be my #1 irritant, which is why I placed it here.  If you are travelling on a long, straight, flat highway and you have trouble maintaining a consistent speed, then set your cruise control.  If I pass you, you should not pass me 5 minutes later only to slow down again, forcing me to pass you again.  It’s a highway.  It’s not leapfrog, numbnuts.

2. Look ahead.  Don’t attempt to pass me if there is no room in front of me.  You need to see what’s up ahead—not just the next car or two, but far in front of you.  If you see a long line of vehicles ahead of me, perhaps following a truck or slower vehicle, you should assume we all have the same goal of getting around that vehicle.  Don’t attempt to pass me in the right lane or (see #3) if there is no room for you.  Just be patient and stay where you are. Your need to be one car further up the road will not get you to your destination any faster.

3. Tailgating, flashing, driving on the left so I’ll move over. Assuming the conditions of #2 where there’s a line of vehicles in a line, do not tailgate, flash your brights, or drive directly in my left-hand mirror in an attempt to make me move over.  Again, assume you have the same goal as me—to get around the slower vehicles.  Wait your turn—behind me—and you will eventually be rewarded with my lane change and your ability to fly on past.  If there’s no one else around and you’re going slow in the left lane…

4. Move over.  If you are in the fast lane and someone wants to go faster than you, move to the right, regardless of your speed compared to the speed limit.  I don’t care if the limit is 70 and you are going 80—if there is someone behind you, and you have room, move over.  Your attitude of “I’m going the speed limit, I don’t have to move over” is flat out wrong.  If you’re the other guy…

5. Slow down.  If the speed limit is 70 and traffic is going 80, you don’t have to go 90.  Just be happy with 80.  That’s a pretty darn good pace and you’re making good time.  Relax a bit.

6. Move left for merging traffic.  If you’re cruising along in the right lane with no other cars around except that guy on the entrance ramp with his blinker on getting ready to enter the highway, move left.  Just get over and let him on.  You may think “this is my spot, this is my lane, I pissed here to mark it.” But again, you are wrong.  Forget the macho bull and get over.  And if you’re the other guy…

7. The on ramp is for accelerating.  Interstate entrance ramps are designed for speeding up.  Virtually every on ramp in the country (and I say “virtually” because indeed there are a few that don’t qualify) are long enough to allow you to accelerate to highway speed before merging.  By the time you reach the highway you should be travelling at the same speed as the other traffic.  If your crappy ‘76 Pinto can’t accelerate quickly enough, it’s time to upgrade.  Also, if you’ve properly prepared for the highway by reaching highway speed, you will not be forced to panic at the end of the on ramp and slam on your breaks.  Believe it or not I’ve seen cars actually stopped at the end of the on ramp because they panicked.  That’s a bad place to stop, my friend.

8. The off ramp is for slowing down.  As in #7, the Department of Transportation has a pretty good idea of how to design traffic systems.  Most off ramps are long enough to allow you to slow down sufficiently after you’ve left the highway.  You don’t need to slam on your breaks while you’re still in traffic—just wait until you reach the ramp. Trust me, you’ll have time to stop before you reach the McDonald’s drive-thru.

9. Check your blind spot.  This rule could also go under the All-Purpose heading, but I feel it’s especially important on the highway.  Check your blind spot before you change lanes.  Always.  No exceptions.  Not even on I-80 through Nebraska at 1:00 am.  Because while you were sleep-driving or checking baseball scores on your damn cell phone, I may have crept up beside you.

In the City

10. It’s not a drag strip.  We’re not racing so you don’t have to sprint off the line at stoplights, and you don’t have to rush to the front and cut people off in order to be first at the light—and if you DO, you better be quick off that line.  If you’ve scurried to the front and then picked up a phone call at the red light, causing you to miss the green, I will honk fiercely until you get moving.  And why do you HAVE to be in front anyway?

11. Parking lots.  There’s nothing like a parking lot to point out complete idiots, especially at Wal-Mart.  A parking lot is not a street, so slow down.  A car may back out at any time. 

11a. Rockstar Parking. Unless you are Stephen Tyler, and you clearly are not, you don’t have to get the very first parking spot, so quit driving around the lot until that spot opens up.  Just park the damn car and walk, lazy ass. 

11a.1. Handicap Parking.  Unless you are Stephen Hawking, and again—you are not, you don’t deserve blue-space parking.  If you are legitimately handicapped then you absolutely deserve the very first parking spot and this rule does not apply to you.  However, if you have a sore knee or a headache or any illness caused by smoking, you don’t deserve that handicap sticker.  If your “ailment” is an attempt to gain sympathy pity from the public, you are pathetic and you can walk an extra 20 or 50 yards to the store like the rest of us. If you park in a handicap spot and hop along to the store like a giddy shih-tzu, you may need that handicap sticker for real after I tackle you.

11b. Relax. If I’m backing out of a spot between a Dodge Ram and a freaking Hummer (don’t get me started on Hummers) I can’t see you coming.  But guess what—you CAN see me and my reverse lights.  If you see those lights, just stop and wait.  Do not honk at me and speed around my car as if to say “Watch where you’re backing up, I’m driving here!” 

11c. Parking lots have lines.  Your car fits between those lines.  If your car does not fit between those lines (ahem, stupid Hummer), then go park in the RV parking lot where your stupid big vehicle belongs.  If you drive a normal-sized car and your deficient spatial skills prevent you from lining up your Civic between the lines, please turn in your license, because you cannot be trusted on the streets either.

12. Intersections. If you can’t get completely through an intersection before the light turns red, don’t enter it.  If my light is green and I have to wait for you to get out of the intersection, you will know that I’m upset and you screwed up (see a list of approved gestures and their definitions below).  It’s not the fault of the line of cars in front of you, it’s yours. 

12a. Roundabouts. OMG! Roundabouts are so easy and incredibly efficient, but because you are an idiot this traffic-control marvel gets a bad rap.  Here’s the rule: the car in the roundabout has the right of way.  Cars entering the roundabout must yield to cars from the left (reverse if you are in the UK and other backwards places).  If you are in the roundabout (the circle part dummy), then do not stop and let other cars in.  If you are entering the roundabout, wait for cars that are already there.  If you say bad words about roundabouts it’s because you don’t know how to use them.  They are far more efficient than 4-way stops and they are growing in popularity for that reason, so learn how they work!

12b. Who goes first?  Again, OMG.  This is Driving 101.  If two cars reach an intersection at the same time, marked or unmarked, the vehicle on the RIGHT has the right-of-way.  If the vehicles are facing each other and one is turning left, the vehicle going straight has the right-of-way.  If the vehicles will not cross paths, then just go!  And for the love of god, use your turn signals (more on that later).  Also, if YOU have the right-of-way, don’t give a hand gesture telling the other person to go.  It’s your turn so just go (more on that later too).

 

All-Purpose

13.  Anticipation (or Anticipay-yay-tion if you’re Carly Simon).  Learn to anticipate what other drivers are doing.  If a car is slowing down, they are probably going to stop or turn.  If many cars are slowing down in front of you, something’s up—maybe a speed trap or an accident—slow down with them.  Also, try to be predictable so others can anticipate your moves. 

14. Pulling into traffic.  You should understand the speed traffic is moving before you enter that traffic. Don’t pull onto a street or highway if you will force others to slow down.  The pedal on the right is the accelerator—use it!  If you are more concerned about the gas mileage on your Prius than being a safe driver, stop being so self-righteous.  Your number one concern is safety.  A driver should not have to brake when you enter a roadway. 

15. Tailgating.  Don’t.

16. Turn the music down.  Seriously.  It’s unhealthy.  It’s annoying.  You can’t possibly hear an emergency vehicle directly behind you.  It can’t possibly sound good from inside the car if it vibrates the entire block around you. And P. Diddy (or whatever the hell idiotic gangsta rapper kids listen to these days) won’t sound so good when you’re deaf by age 30.

17. Bumper stickers.  Really?  Really?  No one cares that you supported the Gore/Lieberman ticket.  No one cares that you have a man crush on Dale Earnhardt, Jr.  No one cares that you are a handgun-wielding member of NRA (well, we rational ones care, but only because your “patriotism” is so misguided).  And your Ford truck is really no better than the Chevy truck next to you.  If you insist on forcing your opinions on the world just write a blog and allow the rest of us the choice to opt out. 

18. Driving with children.  Don’t be reckless, there’s a child in your car.  Don’t talk on your cell phone, there’s a child in your car.  Use the proper restraints, there’s a child in your car.  And please, oh please, don’t smoke, there’s a child in your car.  If I see you doing any of these things, I will memorize your license plate number and call Social Services the next time I’m stopped.  I encourage others to do the same: call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).  Add it to your contact list.

19. Cell phones.  Okay, this is a tough one.  I am a Realtor after all.  But most states ban the use of cell phones or require hands-free devices, and you should follow that rule.  I understand there are circumstances where an emergency call may be required, but make an effort to exit the roadway to complete your call.  Your conversation should always be the last priority.  Be a driver first and a schoolgirl second.  The same rule applies to eating and driving, talking to passengers and driving, sipping coffee and driving, etc.  By the way, you have a tendency to tailgate unconsciously when you are talking on the phone, did you know that?  Read #15 again.

19a. Texting.  No.  Absolutely not.  Under NO circumstances is it acceptable to text and drive.  Never ever ever.  Don’t surf the internet, check in on Facebook, or ask Bing for directions either.  DON’T DO IT!

 

Lights, Signals, and Gestures

20. Turn signals.  Use them, damn it!  Every time you turn.  Every time you change lanes.  And don’t forget to turn them off as soon as your maneuver is completed, dumbass. 

21. High beams, brights, whatever you want to call them.  Your high beams help you see at night, so by all means, use them.  But, dim them for oncoming traffic.  Dim them far in advance—like as soon as you see oncoming headlights.  Don’t wait until I’m 100 yards in front of you, jerk.  Also, on a multi-lane highway, it is not acceptable to leave your brights on all the time just because there’s a median between us.  It’s a 20-foot median, not a light-impenetrable wall. 

21a. I have bright headlights, but I don’t have my brights on.  Learn the difference.  Do not flash me unless you are certain I have left my brights on by mistake (and I didn’t, so just don’t flash me).  It is acceptable to flash your brights to someone who HAS left their brights on by mistake, but only ONE flash will do, and you must do it from a great distance (see 21b.1).  Do NOT turn on your brights at the last instant before you pass them—that is a gutless, cowardly, passive-aggressive move that might get you killed.  Just bear the brightness until the vehicle passes and then curse them to yourself and your passengers.

21b. Flashing your brights and what it means.  Again, it is sometimes acceptable to flash your brights and here are the definitions:

21b.1. A single flash from a distance = “Your brights are on, please dim them”

21b.2. A series of flashes from a distance = “Speed trap ahead, watch out” or “Slowing traffic ahead, watch out” or “Emergency vehicles ahead, watch out”.  Be careful on the speed trap thing—cops don’t appreciate this gesture. Also, if someone gives you this gesture, it is appropriate to tap the brakes twice after passing to say “Thank you”, but you don’t need to flash them back.

21b.3. A single flash when passing a vehicle = “I’m passing you, just so you know”

21b.4. A quick flash or two after being passed, particularly by a big rig = “You can get over now, there’s plenty of room.”  Truckers appreciate this gesture.

21b.5. Any flashes while tailgating = Unacceptable.  If you do it I am likely to never move over for you.  In fact, I may slow down to piss you off even more.

22. The Horn.  Once upon a time the car horn was created for informational purposes only.  Now it has become a gesture of disapproval or anger.  Here are the acceptable uses of a horn:

22.a. Good Sounds

22.a.1. A series of short beeps with a wave = Playful hello.  “Hi neighbor!”

22.a.2. A series of short beeps without wave = “Hello bicyclist or pedestrian up ahead, I’m passing you so please don’t enter my lane.”  Trust me, cyclists appreciate this gesture, as long as the beeps on your horn are light and informative, not heavy and aggressive.

22.a.3. A series of short beeps with perhaps a friendly pointing gesture = “The light has changed, friendly driver, so it’s okay to go now.”

22.b. Bad Sounds

22.b.1. Long, heavy beep with hand gesture = “You totally screwed up, idiot!”

22.b.2. Long, heavy beep without hand gesture (because your hands are on the wheel in a defensive position) = “I’m here and you’re about to run into me, so stop it!”

23. Hand gestures.  These are okay, but they must be used properly.

23.a. Everyone’s favorite.  The middle finger is very effective, but it must be warranted and should be used sparingly.  It should be reserved for the worst of the worst. Make sure you mean it. And before using the gesture I suggest making sure you’ve identified the recipient as a) someone you don’t know, b) someone you won’t bump into at the location you are heading to, and c) someone who is not likely to be carrying a weapon—you can blame the 2nd Amendment’s insufficient handgun policies for this requirement.  By the way, the proper way to deliver the middle finger is with the thumb tucked over the folded-down index finger, not sticking out to the side.  Really, it looks ridiculous with the thumb sticking out.  Approximately 98% of readers will look at their own gesture now.

23.b. Waving.  Generally a wave is a friendly hello, but a more frantic back-and-forth motion can also mean “I’m sorry, I totally screwed up on that one. My bad.”  A simple open hand with palm forward can either mean “Thank you” or “Oops, sorry”, depending upon the situation.  Interpret at will.  An open, sideways hand with two quick side swipes means “You go ahead”, but see rule 12b before using this gesture. If someone gives you this gesture, under no circumstances should you give it back—think about it.

23.c. Open, tilted hand with no waving motion, delivered directly above the steering wheel and with a furrowed brow.  This “WTF” motion means exactly that.  As if to say “Are you high, moron?”

These rules are not my opinion—they are statements of fact and should be followed as if they were law. I encourage any comments, arguments, agreements, or mentions of anything I missed, but if I do not concur, I will dismiss them as quickly as that unwarranted hand gesture toward me (as if I would have ever driven incorrectly, pffh).  This post is a work in progress and will be constantly evolving.  The next chapter may include winter driving.  Good luck out there and don’t be stupid.

My Niece is a Drummer!

My one-year-old niece, Brynne, likes to play my drums. 

“Please Uncle Marc, can I play your drums?”

 

 

Spring is Almost Here!

It’s the first of March and you know what that means!  Time to dust off the motorcycles and get them running again!  Since Sarah and I are fairweather motorcyclists, we don’t ride much in the winter time.  Since it’s a nice warm day I thought I’d get the bikes running for a bit.

Copper Mountain Ski Day

Last weekend our friends Simone and Brian were in Colorado for their annual winter ski-athon.  We joined them on Sunday in Copper Mountain for a day of shredding.  It was sunny and gorgeous!  I did more black diamond runs than I ever had before (meaning more than just one on accident).  One of those blacks almost killed me, unfortunately we didn’t get any pics of that. 

Jake & Kacey Play in the Snow

These are my dogs, Jake and Kacey.  They like the snow.