This is likely to be an ongoing series of posts as it’s a topic that I am extremely passionate about. My wife and the media call it “road rage”. I only call it that when someone else has it. I prefer to call it “suggestions for you, from me, while we are driving in separate vehicles on the same roadway.” Since I am the expert on this subject, as I am the uncontested best driver, I think it’s appropriate for you to heed my advice.
There are just certain things you should always do, or should never do, or should sometimes do or sometimes not do, depending upon conditions and circumstances. This series is designed to help you, reader/driver, with those things, should you fall into the driver category being described here.
On the Highway
1. Consistent Speed. On the highway, this may be my #1 irritant, which is why I placed it here. If you are travelling on a long, straight, flat highway and you have trouble maintaining a consistent speed, then set your cruise control. If I pass you, you should not pass me 5 minutes later only to slow down again, forcing me to pass you again. It’s a highway. It’s not leapfrog, numbnuts.
2. Look ahead. Don’t attempt to pass me if there is no room in front of me. You need to see what’s up ahead—not just the next car or two, but far in front of you. If you see a long line of vehicles ahead of me, perhaps following a truck or slower vehicle, you should assume we all have the same goal of getting around that vehicle. Don’t attempt to pass me in the right lane or (see #3) if there is no room for you. Just be patient and stay where you are. Your need to be one car further up the road will not get you to your destination any faster.
3. Tailgating, flashing, driving on the left so I’ll move over. Assuming the conditions of #2 where there’s a line of vehicles in a line, do not tailgate, flash your brights, or drive directly in my left-hand mirror in an attempt to make me move over. Again, assume you have the same goal as me—to get around the slower vehicles. Wait your turn—behind me—and you will eventually be rewarded with my lane change and your ability to fly on past. If there’s no one else around and you’re going slow in the left lane…
4. Move over. If you are in the fast lane and someone wants to go faster than you, move to the right, regardless of your speed compared to the speed limit. I don’t care if the limit is 70 and you are going 80—if there is someone behind you, and you have room, move over. Your attitude of “I’m going the speed limit, I don’t have to move over” is flat out wrong. If you’re the other guy…
5. Slow down. If the speed limit is 70 and traffic is going 80, you don’t have to go 90. Just be happy with 80. That’s a pretty darn good pace and you’re making good time. Relax a bit.
6. Move left for merging traffic. If you’re cruising along in the right lane with no other cars around except that guy on the entrance ramp with his blinker on getting ready to enter the highway, move left. Just get over and let him on. You may think “this is my spot, this is my lane, I pissed here to mark it.” But again, you are wrong. Forget the macho bull and get over. And if you’re the other guy…
7. The on ramp is for accelerating. Interstate entrance ramps are designed for speeding up. Virtually every on ramp in the country (and I say “virtually” because indeed there are a few that don’t qualify) are long enough to allow you to accelerate to highway speed before merging. By the time you reach the highway you should be travelling at the same speed as the other traffic. If your crappy ‘76 Pinto can’t accelerate quickly enough, it’s time to upgrade. Also, if you’ve properly prepared for the highway by reaching highway speed, you will not be forced to panic at the end of the on ramp and slam on your breaks. Believe it or not I’ve seen cars actually stopped at the end of the on ramp because they panicked. That’s a bad place to stop, my friend.
8. The off ramp is for slowing down. As in #7, the Department of Transportation has a pretty good idea of how to design traffic systems. Most off ramps are long enough to allow you to slow down sufficiently after you’ve left the highway. You don’t need to slam on your breaks while you’re still in traffic—just wait until you reach the ramp. Trust me, you’ll have time to stop before you reach the McDonald’s drive-thru.
9. Check your blind spot. This rule could also go under the All-Purpose heading, but I feel it’s especially important on the highway. Check your blind spot before you change lanes. Always. No exceptions. Not even on I-80 through Nebraska at 1:00 am. Because while you were sleep-driving or checking baseball scores on your damn cell phone, I may have crept up beside you.
In the City
10. It’s not a drag strip. We’re not racing so you don’t have to sprint off the line at stoplights, and you don’t have to rush to the front and cut people off in order to be first at the light—and if you DO, you better be quick off that line. If you’ve scurried to the front and then picked up a phone call at the red light, causing you to miss the green, I will honk fiercely until you get moving. And why do you HAVE to be in front anyway?
11. Parking lots. There’s nothing like a parking lot to point out complete idiots, especially at Wal-Mart. A parking lot is not a street, so slow down. A car may back out at any time.
11a. Rockstar Parking. Unless you are Stephen Tyler, and you clearly are not, you don’t have to get the very first parking spot, so quit driving around the lot until that spot opens up. Just park the damn car and walk, lazy ass.
11a.1. Handicap Parking. Unless you are Stephen Hawking, and again—you are not, you don’t deserve blue-space parking. If you are legitimately handicapped then you absolutely deserve the very first parking spot and this rule does not apply to you. However, if you have a sore knee or a headache or any illness caused by smoking, you don’t deserve that handicap sticker. If your “ailment” is an attempt to gain sympathy pity from the public, you are pathetic and you can walk an extra 20 or 50 yards to the store like the rest of us. If you park in a handicap spot and hop along to the store like a giddy shih-tzu, you may need that handicap sticker for real after I tackle you.
11b. Relax. If I’m backing out of a spot between a Dodge Ram and a freaking Hummer (don’t get me started on Hummers) I can’t see you coming. But guess what—you CAN see me and my reverse lights. If you see those lights, just stop and wait. Do not honk at me and speed around my car as if to say “Watch where you’re backing up, I’m driving here!”
11c. Parking lots have lines. Your car fits between those lines. If your car does not fit between those lines (ahem, stupid Hummer), then go park in the RV parking lot where your stupid big vehicle belongs. If you drive a normal-sized car and your deficient spatial skills prevent you from lining up your Civic between the lines, please turn in your license, because you cannot be trusted on the streets either.
12. Intersections. If you can’t get completely through an intersection before the light turns red, don’t enter it. If my light is green and I have to wait for you to get out of the intersection, you will know that I’m upset and you screwed up (see a list of approved gestures and their definitions below). It’s not the fault of the line of cars in front of you, it’s yours.
12a. Roundabouts. OMG! Roundabouts are so easy and incredibly efficient, but because you are an idiot this traffic-control marvel gets a bad rap. Here’s the rule: the car in the roundabout has the right of way. Cars entering the roundabout must yield to cars from the left (reverse if you are in the UK and other backwards places). If you are in the roundabout (the circle part dummy), then do not stop and let other cars in. If you are entering the roundabout, wait for cars that are already there. If you say bad words about roundabouts it’s because you don’t know how to use them. They are far more efficient than 4-way stops and they are growing in popularity for that reason, so learn how they work!
12b. Who goes first? Again, OMG. This is Driving 101. If two cars reach an intersection at the same time, marked or unmarked, the vehicle on the RIGHT has the right-of-way. If the vehicles are facing each other and one is turning left, the vehicle going straight has the right-of-way. If the vehicles will not cross paths, then just go! And for the love of god, use your turn signals (more on that later). Also, if YOU have the right-of-way, don’t give a hand gesture telling the other person to go. It’s your turn so just go (more on that later too).
All-Purpose
13. Anticipation (or Anticipay-yay-tion if you’re Carly Simon). Learn to anticipate what other drivers are doing. If a car is slowing down, they are probably going to stop or turn. If many cars are slowing down in front of you, something’s up—maybe a speed trap or an accident—slow down with them. Also, try to be predictable so others can anticipate your moves.
14. Pulling into traffic. You should understand the speed traffic is moving before you enter that traffic. Don’t pull onto a street or highway if you will force others to slow down. The pedal on the right is the accelerator—use it! If you are more concerned about the gas mileage on your Prius than being a safe driver, stop being so self-righteous. Your number one concern is safety. A driver should not have to brake when you enter a roadway.
15. Tailgating. Don’t.
16. Turn the music down. Seriously. It’s unhealthy. It’s annoying. You can’t possibly hear an emergency vehicle directly behind you. It can’t possibly sound good from inside the car if it vibrates the entire block around you. And P. Diddy (or whatever the hell idiotic gangsta rapper kids listen to these days) won’t sound so good when you’re deaf by age 30.
17. Bumper stickers. Really? Really? No one cares that you supported the Gore/Lieberman ticket. No one cares that you have a man crush on Dale Earnhardt, Jr. No one cares that you are a handgun-wielding member of NRA (well, we rational ones care, but only because your “patriotism” is so misguided). And your Ford truck is really no better than the Chevy truck next to you. If you insist on forcing your opinions on the world just write a blog and allow the rest of us the choice to opt out.
18. Driving with children. Don’t be reckless, there’s a child in your car. Don’t talk on your cell phone, there’s a child in your car. Use the proper restraints, there’s a child in your car. And please, oh please, don’t smoke, there’s a child in your car. If I see you doing any of these things, I will memorize your license plate number and call Social Services the next time I’m stopped. I encourage others to do the same: call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). Add it to your contact list.
19. Cell phones. Okay, this is a tough one. I am a Realtor after all. But most states ban the use of cell phones or require hands-free devices, and you should follow that rule. I understand there are circumstances where an emergency call may be required, but make an effort to exit the roadway to complete your call. Your conversation should always be the last priority. Be a driver first and a schoolgirl second. The same rule applies to eating and driving, talking to passengers and driving, sipping coffee and driving, etc. By the way, you have a tendency to tailgate unconsciously when you are talking on the phone, did you know that? Read #15 again.
19a. Texting. No. Absolutely not. Under NO circumstances is it acceptable to text and drive. Never ever ever. Don’t surf the internet, check in on Facebook, or ask Bing for directions either. DON’T DO IT!
Lights, Signals, and Gestures
20. Turn signals. Use them, damn it! Every time you turn. Every time you change lanes. And don’t forget to turn them off as soon as your maneuver is completed, dumbass.
21. High beams, brights, whatever you want to call them. Your high beams help you see at night, so by all means, use them. But, dim them for oncoming traffic. Dim them far in advance—like as soon as you see oncoming headlights. Don’t wait until I’m 100 yards in front of you, jerk. Also, on a multi-lane highway, it is not acceptable to leave your brights on all the time just because there’s a median between us. It’s a 20-foot median, not a light-impenetrable wall.
21a. I have bright headlights, but I don’t have my brights on. Learn the difference. Do not flash me unless you are certain I have left my brights on by mistake (and I didn’t, so just don’t flash me). It is acceptable to flash your brights to someone who HAS left their brights on by mistake, but only ONE flash will do, and you must do it from a great distance (see 21b.1). Do NOT turn on your brights at the last instant before you pass them—that is a gutless, cowardly, passive-aggressive move that might get you killed. Just bear the brightness until the vehicle passes and then curse them to yourself and your passengers.
21b. Flashing your brights and what it means. Again, it is sometimes acceptable to flash your brights and here are the definitions:
21b.1. A single flash from a distance = “Your brights are on, please dim them”
21b.2. A series of flashes from a distance = “Speed trap ahead, watch out” or “Slowing traffic ahead, watch out” or “Emergency vehicles ahead, watch out”. Be careful on the speed trap thing—cops don’t appreciate this gesture. Also, if someone gives you this gesture, it is appropriate to tap the brakes twice after passing to say “Thank you”, but you don’t need to flash them back.
21b.3. A single flash when passing a vehicle = “I’m passing you, just so you know”
21b.4. A quick flash or two after being passed, particularly by a big rig = “You can get over now, there’s plenty of room.” Truckers appreciate this gesture.
21b.5. Any flashes while tailgating = Unacceptable. If you do it I am likely to never move over for you. In fact, I may slow down to piss you off even more.
22. The Horn. Once upon a time the car horn was created for informational purposes only. Now it has become a gesture of disapproval or anger. Here are the acceptable uses of a horn:
22.a. Good Sounds
22.a.1. A series of short beeps with a wave = Playful hello. “Hi neighbor!”
22.a.2. A series of short beeps without wave = “Hello bicyclist or pedestrian up ahead, I’m passing you so please don’t enter my lane.” Trust me, cyclists appreciate this gesture, as long as the beeps on your horn are light and informative, not heavy and aggressive.
22.a.3. A series of short beeps with perhaps a friendly pointing gesture = “The light has changed, friendly driver, so it’s okay to go now.”
22.b. Bad Sounds
22.b.1. Long, heavy beep with hand gesture = “You totally screwed up, idiot!”
22.b.2. Long, heavy beep without hand gesture (because your hands are on the wheel in a defensive position) = “I’m here and you’re about to run into me, so stop it!”
23. Hand gestures. These are okay, but they must be used properly.
23.a. Everyone’s favorite. The middle finger is very effective, but it must be warranted and should be used sparingly. It should be reserved for the worst of the worst. Make sure you mean it. And before using the gesture I suggest making sure you’ve identified the recipient as a) someone you don’t know, b) someone you won’t bump into at the location you are heading to, and c) someone who is not likely to be carrying a weapon—you can blame the 2nd Amendment’s insufficient handgun policies for this requirement. By the way, the proper way to deliver the middle finger is with the thumb tucked over the folded-down index finger, not sticking out to the side. Really, it looks ridiculous with the thumb sticking out. Approximately 98% of readers will look at their own gesture now.
23.b. Waving. Generally a wave is a friendly hello, but a more frantic back-and-forth motion can also mean “I’m sorry, I totally screwed up on that one. My bad.” A simple open hand with palm forward can either mean “Thank you” or “Oops, sorry”, depending upon the situation. Interpret at will. An open, sideways hand with two quick side swipes means “You go ahead”, but see rule 12b before using this gesture. If someone gives you this gesture, under no circumstances should you give it back—think about it.
23.c. Open, tilted hand with no waving motion, delivered directly above the steering wheel and with a furrowed brow. This “WTF” motion means exactly that. As if to say “Are you high, moron?”
These rules are not my opinion—they are statements of fact and should be followed as if they were law. I encourage any comments, arguments, agreements, or mentions of anything I missed, but if I do not concur, I will dismiss them as quickly as that unwarranted hand gesture toward me (as if I would have ever driven incorrectly, pffh). This post is a work in progress and will be constantly evolving. The next chapter may include winter driving. Good luck out there and don’t be stupid.